Dreams
by MooneytheMarauderXD
Summary: Sherlock recalls his time with John before The Fall.


I'm not at all sure if you knew, but I cared for you deeply. More deeply than I had ever cared about anyone or anything. My actions may not have necessarily communicated that… effectively, but it's true. Every word.. I just hope that you can understand. My intentions were pure.

Not long after we had met him, I would catch you asleep on the couch. I would watch you toss and turn, you mumbled things, you know… just subtle things at first, but then you fell into REM and they became more serious. "Get out! There's a bomb!" I'll hold him off! Just go!" you would scream, and some nights you would jolt awake, and I would fiddle with the slides in my microscope, so as to not draw your suspicion. On those nights you would ask if you had disturbed me. I would lie

"Of course you have! Now if you could please refrain from screaming while I am working."

But you really hadn't disturbed me at all. I had been watching the whole time. But please don't take it that way! It's not as if I were stalking you, I was simply making sure you were all right. I remember from when we first met, I had deduced that you had problems with nightmares, so after that night at the pool, I had been worrying. You were so afraid, so vulnerable; I couldn't bear to see you like that. The soldier turned into a child. It broke my heart to see you waking up, drenched in a cold sweat, not knowing where you were. You looked as though you felt utterly alone. I hated it. But worse were the nights where you didn't wake up.

You were trapped in your nightmare, stuck in that pool with that bomb strapped to your chest. "Get out! There's a bomb! I'll hold him off! Just go!" over and over.

The first few times this happened I did my best to ignore your pleas. Begging mercy for me. Who else would do that? Be brave enough, even in his nightmares to offer to take the punishment to save his friend. I, on the other hand was a coward. I did nothing to soothe you while he wreaked havoc on your subconscious. I could have, but I didn't. Not for a while. I just watched you suffer, and I am sorry, I am so, so sorry.

One night it was worse that I had ever seen, and you had been toiling for over an hour. I… I just couldn't take it any longer. I stood up and walked into the dark living area where you had yet again fallen asleep in front of the telly. I knew that this was not actually the case; I had deduced it after the first night. You hadn't come to lie on the couch and watch the news and accidentally fallen asleep. You were too proud for that, and too military. You had strayed from your evening routine because you didn't want to fall asleep at all, or at least not whilst alone. You wanted someone present, not as a comfort, but as a rope to safely pull you back into reality. I was your rope on the nights you would wake up.

I would hoist you out of your misery "Of course you have! Now if you could please refrain from screaming while I am working."

But the nights you didn't wake were awful. Finally on that night when it looked like you just couldn't bear the weight of your nightmare any longer, I came to you. I thought the walk from the kitchen to the dark living area lasted for hours. It certainly felt that way.

I saw you up close. I felt as though I would vomit. You were pale, your face had a wet sheen. As I crouched down, my knees popped and you stirred slightly. I was about to get up and run back to my microscope for fear that you would spot me.

You turned over though, toward me, your eyes remained closed, your face remained locked in a battle with our assailant whom only you could hear. I had finally worked up the courage to help you defeat him , but how does one conquer what one cannot see, what one cannot hear? You growled something, I couldn't exactly understand, but still, I couldn't help smiling in spite of myself. _The brave soldier fights on, even when his cowardly partner has yet to gather the courage to reveal himself. _

Your expression changed to one of fear and pain. They must have been dancing on you at this point, the horrible red fairies that threatened with each movement to take both of our lives. How I had hated them, their horrible dance of death that could at any moment take you away from me. Your slumbering form writhed and I knew that it was time to show up, to dance the dance of death with the fairies and their dreadful fairy king.

The lines of your face move. He was twisting your face into that of a soldier, afraid of death, but strong even in its face. He was using his incantations, his threats. I had to make my move if you were to come out of this alive. In the real world I appeared at the scene very calmly, but not in the dream world. I watch your expression as you sleep and I gently took my hand and stroked your face. "It's all right," I whisper.

You were still terrified "There's a bomb!"

You didn't hear me, I try again "It's all right."

But it still wasn't working "Get out!"

I started panicking "It's all right!"

"I'll hold him off! Just go!"

I was nearly in tears, I couldn't just leave you. Not then. "It's alright!" I plead, running my fingers through your short, blonde hair "I'm here, I'm here! I'm safe! Please! You've saved me!" I held your face close to mine, and I kissed you tenderly on the forehead. "It's all right. You're all right. I've… I've got you now, you're safe. I promise" You never woke up, not until the morning came, but I saw it, just for a moment. A smile glimmered across your face, and you muttered something in your sleep that I will never forget

"I know."

I didn't know that two little words uttered in slumber could mean so very much. I smiled weakly and held your hand for the rest of the night. I was sorry that I had to save you under such circumstances.

When you awoke, I was faking sleep in your favorite chair. I… I wish that I could have done that forever. You went upstairs and got me a blanket. It smelled of you. I pretended to wake up, and you instructed me to go back to sleep. I did as I was told and relished every moment I had there, just sitting under the blanket, even napping a bit. I imagined that it wasn't just your smell with me as I slept, I imagined that it was you.

Please don't think of me any differently than you did, reading about my feelings for you. I don't wish for you to remember me as hopelessly in love with you, please.

And after a few hours, I wake up but felt as though I were in the dream world. Everyone is here. You, the fairy king, and then me. Ever the cowardly late arrival in this horrible nightmare world. I wish that I could dance a beautiful waltz with you, but instead, I dance a fox trot with the fairy king, and I will always regret that. Our fox trot is one of death and despair, we both get what we deserve.

You are terrified "There's a better way!"

I don't hear you, you try again "It's all right."

But it's still not working "Get down!"

You start panicking "It's all right!"

"I'll hold him off. Just tell them goodbye"

The Fairy king and I dance in circles until we 've danced ourselves to death. His red blood oozes on the dance floor. Now If I keep dancing, then you too will have to dance our fatal fox trot. And so I can dance no more. So I fall down.

It is a horrible dream, I just keep falling and falling until my head cracks on the pavement, I suppose the dream is not all bad, after all, I got to speak to you one last time.

"Goodbye, John"

I didn't know that two little words uttered in slumber could mean so very much. I smiled weakly and you held my hand for the rest of the night. I was sorry that I had to save you under such circumstances.

I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, but I had to. I couldn't have lived with myself had your blood oozed on the floor like the fairy king. I had to do it. I just hope you can understand. . I never… I never meant to hurt you like this. You were my world, no… you are my world and always will be.


End file.
